What am I chasing?
Younger me wanted to be okay, something I can hold on to and stock up on. Never mind I didn’t know what okay was. Okay manifested itself as Miller’s Outpost, JNCOs, puka shells, and denim. I did things others did, followed what others praised, and accepted what others valued. It hurt, and I didn’t know why so I was angry.
Sooner than I thought I grew and wanted something real, something with meaning and values, something that lasts. So I spent my time chasing real. Real is intangible, insupposable, uncomformable, unbrandable, unsaleable. But by god have people tried. Real need you to go far, real need you to go deep, real need you to work, real need you to be smart, real is comparable, real is makable.
And I said yes, I chased. I went far, I paid attention, I questioned, I wanted to be real. I did everything opposite of what others did, what others had. I thought it was easy—and it really is—when you’re alone, godless, selfish, and live in worlds that protected you from being exposed to something realer.
But we don’t live far, we don’t live as equals, we don’t live perfectly, so sooner than I thought here I am, realizing that instead of getting what I chased after I ended up growing up with only ideas. Of how it was, how it is, how it should be, and—when I’m loaded—how it will be. Many smart but lazy people can be found living in ideas, it’s rather addicting. You can’t be hurt and you can’t be judged because it isn’t you… it’s the idea that the weaker others are held responsible, for stopping you, for conforming you, for selling you out. This is what I thought was real, that’s what I held on to.
Meanwhile instead of ideas the others just lived. In godful and wonted lives. With faith and fidelity to the society few of us are lucky to be in. In a world of variable time, money, power, and respect that they chased and were duly or unduly rewarded.
And all I have are ideas blustered as real, with not even a degree to show for it, living in a world of incomparable people that didn’t put stock into ideas.
So what am I chasing?
Real is mistakable. It’ll drive you crazy. Be careful and do.
